The Time Seth Shot a Deer.

Hi, I’m Seth. You don’t know me– or at least I don’t think you would know me. I kinda keep to myself. There are very few things that I’ve done that I really feel like talking about. However, there’s one incident that I just can’t seem to get out of my head. It has been bothering me for a while now and I can’t take it anymore. I saw one of them head-doctor folks about it and they said that I’m just going nuts. Well… they didn’t say that, per se. But I know that’s what they’re thinking. Anyhow, I was told to dictate this story to a “professional” (Mr. Seth Bartlet insisted that we include his sarcastic air quotes) before I go through with the procedure. I don’t do much writing anyhow so here’s what they got from me. Here is the conversation I had the day I went nuts…

TRANSCRIPT

Seth: C’mon. C’mon, you sonofabitch…

GUN FIRES

Deer: AAEUUHHH!!! Fffffuuuu[REDACTED]

Seth: What in the hell?!

Deer: AHHH! (Rolls around in pain)

Seth: Oh my God. Mary Mother–

Deer: Continues screaming

Seth: I-is there someone down there? Hello?

Deer: YES, THERE IS SOMEONE F[REDACTED] DOWN HERE YOU PRICK!

The deer writhes in pain for a solid two minutes. Seth Bartlet is unsure of what to do. He contemplates contacting the proper authorities but is unsure what authorities would be responsible for such peculiar matters. After enough time has passed, Seth approached the deer.

Seth: Are you– Are you talking?

Deer: Brilliant deduction, moron! YES! YES, I AM TALKING. AND BLEEDING OUT OF MY ASS!

Seth: Jesus Christ, Almighty, what have I done?!

Deer: You shot me, that’s what!

Seth: Oh, God oh–

Deer: HELP! Are you going to help or are you going to finish the job?! Just f[REDACTED] help me!

Seth: W-what can I do?!

Deer: First Aid!!!

Seth: Oh, oh, oh right!

Seth proceeds to apply first aid to the wounded, talking deer.

Seth: Does that hurt?

Deer: Yes. Yes, it f[REDACTED] you f[REDACTED] idiot. Of course it f[REDACTED] hurts you [REDACTED].

Seth: I-I’m sorry, I need to know if that helps.

Deer: … yeah, that’s a little better.

Seth: Good, good. The bleeding isn’t bad. Thank God I didn’t hit an artery.

Deer: Study what you eat, do you?

Seth: I know a bit about the Lord’s creatures, yes.

Deer: Bet you have a bunch of us back at your log cabin, don’t you? A bunch of heads all just hanging up on your walls, looking down at people as if they’re pleased to see them. They aren’t. They’re dead. You killed them you sick hillbilly bastard.

Seth: Quit moving around.

Deer: Ah! You know, you’ve got a real soft touch.

Seth: *Grunts*

Deer: Like a cactus.

Seth: That’s as much as I can do for you.

Deer: Oh, yeah, thanks, pal. I’ll see you in hell after the lead poisoning takes me from my kids in three months.

Seth: Christ, you have kids?

Deer: Yeah. Seven of them. They’re gonna be orphans soon.

Seth: Well, it won’t be the lead that kills you. I got the bullet out.

Deer: Oh… good. Now they might have four more months with their Pop Pop. That is unless another Oompa Loompa with a rifle gets me.

Seth: Again, I’m sorry. If I’d have known–

Deer: Hey, no, don’t worry about it. It’s cool. I get it.

Seth: You do?

Deer: Oh yeah, sure. I’m from the wild too, you know? Predator’s gotta eat, prey’s gotta run.

Seth: That’s incredibly noble to–

Deer: Yeah. I mean, it’s a hard world you live in– what’s your name?

Seth: Seth.

Deer: It’s a hard world you live in, Seth. All of that competing to get to the front of the line at McDonald’s.

Seth: Okay–

Deer: Or I mean, if only you could choose vegan options. You look like you could lose a little weight there, Seth.

Seth: Okay, I get your point.

Deer: … Maybe I won’t get shot now that I have a bandage on my butt.

Seth: For a deer that can talk, you sure talk a lot.

Deer: Well, wouldn’t you if you got shot?

Seth: Suppose so. That’s all I’m gonna do.

Seth gets up. He allows the deer to attempt to stand. 

Deer: *In pain* Damn.

Seth: Jesus Christ, this isn’t right.

Deer: You’re damn right. Shooting animals is a dick move.

Seth: How are you talking?

Deer: With my mouth, same as you, I’d imagine.

Seth: You sound like a human.

Deer: And you sound like the asshole who shot me… Look, I don’t really know where we’re supposed to go from here, but can you find the kindness within your heart to do one more thing?

Seth: And what would that be?

Deer: Can I borrow your vest?

Seth: My vest?

Deer: Yes. See, I’m not going to be seeing my young for much longer unless I can show that I am protected.

Seth: Yeah… Sure, okay.

Seth then puts his vest on the deer. 

Deer: Thank you, friend. Funny thing is that I’m safer now, after having been shot.

Seth: You take care of your kids, alright?

Deer: *laughs* Easier said than done when they’re getting shot at.

The deer trots away. Seth watches him go and begins to walk back to where he’d parked his car. Seth is mistaken for a deer/man/bear hybrid and is shot due to the lack of a vest. Upon inspection, Mr. James Montgomery realizes what he had done and rushes Seth to the nearest hospital. Seth regains consciousness and relays his story to Dr. Elizabeth Nguyen, the practicing physician at the time. She relays the story to a professional psychiatrist, William Bennett. Bennett proposes memory erasure. As of October 11th, the erasure was completed. It should be stated that since the time of the operation, Seth has claimed to see a deer sitting outside the hospital. 

Advertisements